It was a week ago today that we had the heart wrenching and emotionally draining experience of letting Winston go. It started on Tuesday, March 21st, he had an appointment with his Dr. She said we could wait another month (that would make it 3 months since being diagnosed with kidney failure) and see where he's at with his kidney levels. We took him home and he stopped eating. For 4 days we couldn't get him to eat anything. Not his favorite canned food, treats, scrambled eggs with cheese, scrambled eggs without cheese, peanut butter on a spoon..nothing. We watched him lay in his little bed, sometimes getting up trying to get comfortable, tremble, stumble to the water dish only to throw up what water he did drink. He would barely make it to the back door and just look at us like he wasn't sure what to do next. We started carrying him outside I think it was on Thursday or Friday.
And then...it was Saturday. Then the call to Dr. Letosky to find out she wasn't in that day. Then the decision to have a different doctor other than the one whom he had been seeing for the last few years. Then the guilt of "should we have waited until Monday when our Dr. was in? Would we be able to continue to watch him be that uncomfortable for two more days? Maybe we should have called her on Friday and she may have been there".
His ashes came in I believe on Wednesday. That was emotional. The realization that our little guy was somehow in this box I could hold in one hand...the whole thing has been torture on the heart. They also gave us a little plaster heart with his paw prints, which we were just able to look at today.
So, his ashes came in and Paul and I every day since Saturday have felt lost without our little Winston. We've talked about getting a new puppy. After reading some articles online of "when is the right time to get a new puppy", the answer is, "it's different for everyone." I knew they were going to say that. Isn't there a definitive answer? Is a week too soon? For some people yes. For others it fills the void. Right now at my house there's a big void.
I realize this sadness I'm feeling will always be here because Winston will never be again. I will never miss him less. I will never not hurt because he's gone. But if I'm able to redirect some of the energy I'm using to be sad and to fight tears all day long, and instead use it to love another dog...I think that's a good thing-not just for me but for the dog who needs love and for Paul. Paul has said it to me recently, how good it would feel to redirect our focus. Will we have weepy days ahead? I'm sure we will. We were so lucky to have had Winston for 15 years. I have no regrets. He knew we loved him every minute of every day.
Am I thinking some people might say "wow! that's really soon"? Sure I am. Maybe that's why I'm writing this blog post. Should I care what other people think? Oh hell NO I should not!
As always...
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